Robert@PNG

Eli’s been in Hospital since Tuesday.

What was hopefully only going to be a minor procedure by the O&G specialist has turned out to be slightly more complicated.

I’m going to get a little personal in this post… there’s no other way really to explain the situation. My blog posts lately have been focusing on technical stuff, Wordpress, blogging etc… it would appear - anything but what’s going on within.

I feel like opening up a little…

Some time ago we (Eli) decided that we were open to the idea of having our own kids and about six months ago we initiated some check-ups (for both of us) to find out possible reasons why Eli wasn’t falling pregnant.

At this point I need to share something personal - the idea of having kids has never really appealed to me - my dear father used to say to me that I was too selfish - perhaps - what I do know is that the responsibility and commitment that goes along with having a family is something that I have always been determined to avoid. Somewhere, deep within my thinking there is a notion that kids come at a price… loss of personal freedom.

In some way - coming to Papua New Guinea and of course meeting Eli - have changed my views on this whole subject. Not that I’m set on wanting to start having kids at the ripe old age of 49 but I can see how much it would mean to Eli to have our own child - this one wish from the love of my life, sweetheart and best friend - was enough for me to have a change of mind.

I mentioned that Eli’s operation turned out a little more serious than what we had expected - apparently she has had one of her tubes removed with the other one found to be less than 100% - thus greatly reducing the chances of Eli ever having kids of her own.

And as I looked at my sweatheart in that Hospital bed last night I could see the pain and sadness in her eyes as she lay there pondering the impact of the morning operation. Her pain became my pain and I wanted to cry with her.

And as I wandered home last night after visiting Eli at Goroka Hospital - I was overcome with a memory - a memory of my own Dad - a kind, compassionate and loving man - but a man emotionally withdrawn in many ways from his own kin. This memory of a Dad that was emotionally unavailable to us as a young family made me want to scream out - scream out to him and what I missed out on as a kid whilst growing up - an emotionally available father.

And as I reflected on my father and his ways - I realised how much I take after him - like father like son - a chip of the old block - as they say. My tendency to emotionally withdraw and isolate is something that I have inherited from my dear old dad.

As Eli lies there… I want to reach out and hold her and tell her how much she means to me - how much I love her - and then something within holds me back - perhaps just like my Dad. And when I make it back to my own space - I can feel the grief and the pain that follows emotional isolation - the tears well up and as they roll down my cheeks - part of me feels relieved - because there’s no one around - another part of me aches - perhaps just like my dear Dad.

Here’s a photo a took last weekend of some village kids and for some reason I think it’s an appropriate time to share the image of the happiness that these village children are so good at giving…

On top of what’s going with Eli - our home phone has been dead for a week and the Local Council is threatening to cut of our water supply. The incompetence and inefficiencies in this country seem to know no limits.

But thank you very much… next Monday we head up to Madang for week to spend some time with our good friends Nick and Bernadette. The rest, relaxation and quality company will be very welcomed indeed.

And of course… more on Eli’s condition in a future post.