If I was ignorant to Melanesian culture I would tell you… you’re pulling my leg! But having lived and worked around these parts for almost 5 years and now as good as married to a local I understand the situation exactly.

Good to see you do spend time with your wife’s family. So many whites disassociate themselves totally from the “tambu’s”. And you know what… I’m beginning to understand why!

For me personally I am needing to find that balance between interaction and withdrawal. Very much a moving target.

I laughed when I read your account of a family gathering… a few weeks ago one of my wife’s cousin stayed with us for a few days after giving birth. Her 8th kid. All eight from five different blokes! None of them still with – all adopted out pinis!

R

I was at the in-laws place last Christmas. I started to get hassled by my mother-in-law, who thought that I wasn’t being a ‘good enough’ Dad to my one-year old (hey, I was on holidays, and there were half a dozen Aunties there – what happened to communal parenting??). This made me cranky as the baby was a bit sick and so crying a lot, but that must have been something to do with my bad parenting. I then started to do some calculations:

My mother-in-law had 5 children there, to 3 different fathers – at least the father to one of them was present. Her sister who lives up the hill and whose kids were hanging out lots has 4 kids to 3 different parents. One daughter has a child – who knows who the Dad was, but he hasn’t been around for years. Another daughter has a child – we know who the Dad is, be he left when the child was born. The youngest daughter has 3 children to three different fathers – none of whom were even close to present.

I think I should have got 100% in the parenting stakes for just being there!! Not to mention the fact that I picked up lots of work while there and so was working during my holiday!! Melanesia – sometimes you just can’t win :-)